Hi, I’m Bob. I’m someone’s doctor and because statistically most of you watching this are as dumb as my patients I’m going to guess you do a lot of the same stuff. So as a favor to all your doctors I’d like to point out a few things Way way too many of you are putting things in your butt that are not made to be inside butts in medical shorthand We call these cases insertions Once upon a time a man had the brilliant idea of soldering a surprisingly large dildo to a metal bar I assumed this was so he could grab on to it and you know plum around while it was inserted hmm. It was a noble attempt. I guess but for some reason the handle didn’t work He got the dildo stuck inside himself and all his ingenuity and craftsmanship couldn’t get it back out again He couldn’t sit down to drive didn’t want to call an ambulance and pay $1,000 like some sort of impaled Rockefeller So he put on the baggies pair of pants he owns and took a walk of shame all the way to the hospital Once he was here. Well we have tools for this sort of situation terrible unspeakable tools I think he actually found that part exciting though, so that story has at least half a happy ending? If you’re watching this you’re probably not a doctor there aren’t all that many of us And we understand that the rest of you have important things to deal with To help you out the good people who make medicine include instructions on all their products but if you don’t read those instructions Well things can go wrong one particular case comes to mind a couple had been in earlier that day to get help for the wife’s Constipation their doctor gave her a box with two enemas for those of you Who are lucky enough to not know an enema is a little bottle of fluid with an uncomfortably long spout This poor hopefully illiterate woman took one look at the spout and knew exactly what it was for drinking But that’s not why she came into the ER No she only saw us because she hadn’t been able to force herself to drink the second bottle and she wanted to make sure that just Taking one was okay. I asked if these come in a box and are there any instructions with pictures on the side of the box So uh is it a problem she drank the enima? I called poison control and because I’m a good human being I didn’t tell them the call took 20 minutes because the poison control office couldn’t stop laughing On the upside the enema still worked the woman just suffered horrible Lovecraftian abdominal cramps And that wasn’t even a bad call at least the lady had a legitimate issue, please call poison control even if your problem is hilarious For every hour a doctor’s been actually seeing patients We’ve got to spend around two hours charting documenting everything we did for insurance companies and the government it’s roughly as rewarding as making passionate love to a pile of sawdust and When we actually do get to see patients a lot o f them are this guy Did you know Americans consume roughly 80% of the global opium supply? I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect we are taking all the drugs and most of us don’t need them so a big part of my job is saying no the people with back pain Now it can be hard to tell when someone’s lying about pain Ahh my back, and back pain is a real nightmare, please Doc Just drugs, but I’ve heard way too many Forty-Year-old men say I’m allergic to Motrin and Tylenol I can only take Percocet once I turned a patient down for painkillers on the ground that not a damn thing was wrong with her She started yelling to the whole ER that she and her kids were going to wind up sleeping on the streets because I wouldn’t hand her a prescription, It turns out. She’d been selling her pills. She needed them for rent money you can’t get angry as a doctor You’ve got to stay professional move on to the next patient and if you aren’t careful that can kind of break you See the most important thing. You should know about your doctor is that he might be living a life of unspeakable despair So there’s a particularly horrible brain tumor called a pontine glioma it grows in the brainstem The part of your brain that knows how to keep your body alive And it tends to strike children initially the child has minor symptoms double vision trouble swallowing Maybe some weakness then the tumor mercilessly and inexorably kills them and there’s not a goddamn thing I or anyone else can do about it and after dealing with that I have to go to my adult spine clinic and immediately deal with the guy with a nearly invisible disc herniation who’s demanding narcotics and a disability statement?Please let me get some pills doc just one pill or two and then I go home and chart for several hours until I get to sleep. hey can I have some pills please I just have all these You grow some of that morphine It would actually be great if the main side effect of all this frustration and stress was whimsical cartoon violence Unfortunately, it’s lots of suicide male physicians are three times as likely to kill themselves as the general population Female physicians are four to five times as likely to commit suicide Every year the U.S. loses the equivalent of one full medical school graduating class to suicide all this as we’re looking at a projected shortfall of 90,000 doctors by 2025 Only 3.9 percent of Medical school students are depressed But one year after they start their internship and actually work as a doctor That number jumps to Twenty five point seven percent And you can all do a little bit to help with this crisis Take better care of your butt’s read the directions on your medicine and don’t go to the doctor when you want to get high Hey everybody thanks for watching that video if you want to subscribe to our channel took the big C in the middle and to get Notifications hit the notification bell icon and they’ll send notifications about that now, let’s wrap and joint!